Healing Gently

I See You!!

How do you feel when you make eye contact with other people? Does it help you connect with them? Do you feel seen and safe? Or perhaps, like me, at one point in my life it fills you with dread, anxiety and confusion.

There was a time in my life when making eye contact became intolerable. It overwhelmed me and I avoided it like the plague! Can you relate? I would actually faint or fit (yes have a seizure) to get away from those scary humans trying to connect with me. 

Trauma Is Stored In The Body

I knew something was seriously wrong. I had become saturated with undigested life events – grief, motherhood, too much responsibility, developmental and relational trauma. All I knew was that nothing made sense anymore. I had developed horrible health challenges complicated by complex trauma. The confusing part was that nobody in my world recognised it. Not my family, not my friends, not me and certainly not the health professional I visited looking for answers. Inwardly and outwardly, it appeared as though I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I felt separate, alone and disconnected.

My Trauma Response

Quite often I would “Freeze and Faint” when I was overwhelmed by the pressure to be sociable. My incredibly clever nervous system would override my brain and body. It just took over and shut me down. I would drop to the floor like a rock. A little dramatic I suppose, but a very effective way to escape someone’s unwanted gaze! It was dissociation on a grand scale.

In hindsight, I realise my body was just trying to keep me safe. It had an obligation to protect me from other humans who wanted to connect and bond with me. My body did its job very well!! No wonder I have never remarried!

At that time, everything and everyone felt unsafe –life threatening even. I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I preferred to hide at home and stay out of sight. I was living in a body that could switch between functional freeze (hide at home cleaning) and hypervigilance. I was behaving like James Bond or Jason Bourne. I was always scanning my surroundings for danger and planning my escape.

The Longest Nerve in the Body

This response didn’t happen when I was a kid, or even as a pimply teenager. It happened much later in life. I was in my 30s and 40s. It continued for years until I finally realised why it was happening. All my trauma symptoms finally began to make sense when I stumbled upon a book about the vagus nerve, the longest nerve we have. I was studying psychotherapy and looking for answers to explain my symptoms. It was a light bulb moment for me when I recognised I had developed complex trauma. I wasn’t crazy, or broken, I was just stuck in survival mode. At last I had somewhere to start the healing process. I would begin with my nervous system and re-learn how to feel safe again. First in my body, then in my environment before moving onto other people.

Why Did This Happen?

Trauma symptoms are subjective and unique to each person. I developed difficulties maintaining eye contact over a long period of time. It showed up after years of living in survival mode. I systematically lost my capacity to connect to my body, other people and to life in general. I tried to mask the symptoms and pretend all was well. It is exhausting pretending to be ok when you are not! I felt like a fake and a fraud most of the time. I was an actor in a life I didn’t relate to anymore. I kept trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me. Luckily for me, I never gave up hope.

I believe I struggled with eye contact for several reasons. Firstly, I stopped looking directly at people and my eye muscles became lazy. I was traumatised and in survival mode. I wanted to run away, not interact. I didn’t want others to see the amount of pain I was in. I couldn’t stand to see the shock in their eyes when they realised how much I had changed. Secondly, I constantly needed to scan my environment for danger. Thirdly, when I did meet their gaze I felt pressure to perform tasks such as making conversation. I just didn’t have the capacity to do that anymore. Sometimes I even had trouble forming sentences and finding words. Lastly, I was embarrassed because I stopped recognising faces. My memory was affected by the trauma and probably the seizures. My brain wasn’t interested in making long term memories anymore. It was focused on the here and now!

Beginning to Heal

Over the last few years I have begun to feel at home in my body once again. I have transmuted so much of the old trauma and physical symptoms just by acknowledging it, getting to know it, love it and hold space for it to resolve itself. Our pain needs to be witnessed, digested and integrated.

I can now recognise when I’m feeling safe and when I’m not. I pay attention to my body’s signals and don’t override them anymore. I have tools and a team of healers to help me stay regulated. I have regular embodied processing sessions when I feel triggered by life. Embodied processing is a type of somatic therapy that I have trained in. It is a “bottom up approach” to  healing old trauma and other wounds which become stuck in the body. Embodied processing gently takes you out of the mind and into the body’s undigested life events When these energies are met with safety and compassion, they are able to complete and integrate. As a consequence, my health is the best it has been in 30 years; no more fainting or fitting!! I am in awe of how my body has survived and recovered. Now, I provide my body with the opportunity to rest when needed, and connect with others when it feels regulated and safe.

Here’s Looking At You Kid

These days I practice making eye contact with people everywhere I go! The muscles in my eyes have strengthened. It’s gradually getting easier to maintain eye contact for longer periods of time. For so many years I craved deep connection with others but I didn’t have the capacity to manage it. Now, when I look into someone’s eyes and meet their gaze, I feel relief and deep gratitude because I don’t need to hide anymore. I feel safe to look into their eyes and let them into my world.

Want To Know How?

If you want to know more about how I healed then stay tuned. I will be blogging about that very part of my journey very soon. If you want to know more about Embodied processing for healing trauma then please reach out and ask me. I would love that.