Healing Gently

I am taking some time out in Bali at the moment (I’m from Australia for those who aren’t aware).

It’s only been a week as I write this but it’s been more challenging than I had anticipated. A different culture based on Hindu beliefs and customs, Indonesian language, different currency (so many bank notes!), the time difference, the constantly hot and humid climate, and as for road rules…well, there don’t seem to be any!

My First Morning in Bali

On my first morning in Ubud, I woke up wondering, why are there monkeys outside my window and, where the hell do I get a good cup of coffee? How Australian is that! 

The thing is, I’m not really a tourist as such. I’m travelling alone, and I don’t have a sightseeing schedule nor much of a plan at all. There is nowhere I particularly want to visit. I just wanted to be somewhere else (keep reading). I intend to soak everything up, in my own time and own way. My needs are more basic than your average tourist. They centre around food, water, and a bed to sleep in. Oh, and let’s not forget air conditioning! 

Don’t get me wrong, I love travelling and adventures. I have been blessed to visit and live in many beautiful places. I have  skied down majestic Mountains in Switzerland and Austria. I stood on the edge of Fjords in Norway and the sight just took my breath away. I have swam with dolphins in Hawaii, and journeyed off the beaten track in Turkey, and Brazil. 

My sense of adventure and need to explore life, took me backpacking through the U.K, and Europe in my early 20’s. I found that in Sweden, wild berries can be picked and eaten by the roadside when you are in rural areas. I wonder if that is still possible?

After moving away from Sydney in my 30’s, I lived in homes with incredible views of the Pacific ocean. From those windows I have had the privilege of witnessing whales migrating north and south each year. I have seen humpbacks and Killer whales, cranky old Sea Lions and dolphin pods on a regular basis. That’s probably why I don’t care about rafting, sunbaking by the pool, quad biking, yoga retreats, looking ‘cool’ or shopping here in Bali.It’s exhausting and I have been there, and done a lot of that.

What Brings Me to Bali?

So why am I in Bali then? I came here to clear my head and calm my body and nervous system. I realised that I didn’t  feel safe, welcome or valued where I was living. I removed myself from a hostile living environment. Travelling here is an act of self love. 

I have come to realise, from my study and investigation of health and healing over 35 years  (Nursing, Psychotherapy and Behavioural Science, Holistic Counseling, Poly-vagal theory, alternative healing practices,TCM, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Somatic trauma healing, dance and singing to name a few) that healing takes time. I’m not the quick fix kind of healer. 

Even after healing so much there is still more to do. My body is out of danger now but mentally and emotionally, old wounds are demanding my attention. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I am in the way, an annoyance, an unwanted interloper who ruins things for others. (just old outdated beliefs, not truth). Call it an attachment disorder, if you are a therapist but; I’m not trying to place blame on anyone. I want to forgive, heal, learn and move on from my wounded, rejected inner child. 

I want to heal the old beliefs that have limited and held me hostage throughout my life. I crave peace, security and acceptance. I need to  figure out what I want. What will make me happy? What might I have to offer the world?

I want to recognise my instrinsic value, my unique gift and talents. It’s my time now to decide where and how I want to live my life. I find myself contemplating where I want to live? Who do I want to spend my time with?

I feel ready to share my stories, wisdom and life lessons. I wish to be independent and self-sufficient once again after years of healing trauma and chronic health issues. I’m good at surviving but, can I move onto thriving? Can I help others stuck in their trauma responses and who may have chronic health conditions find their way back to health?

The Questions I’m Asking Myself

I find myself wondering this: can I attract  sweetness, abundance, love, joy and satisfaction into my life on a daily basis? I hope so but; I feel like I have more questions than answers at the moment. Again I remind myself to let go and Trust!

As I walk through the ornate Balinese archway that leads to my villa, I notice how beautiful it is! I step off the street, go up a few stairs and step under the archway and into my garden oasis. I pass by a statue of Ganesh, and enter the tropical garden I share with the other guests at the flamboyant villa I’m calling home for now. This is my home base for the next month or so, and that’s a good start. The smell of jasmine floats through the air, stemming from incense burning nearby. Daily rituals, prayer, offerings and giving thanks are part of daily life now.. It reminds me to be grateful and I am. 

I often sit on my little porch overlooking the splash pool, which looks clean, cool and inviting. I can hear tourists chatting, mopeds passing in the street and traditional music and mantras coming from a nearby temple. I’m observing everything now; almost like I am taking part in a silent retreat.

The locals are lovely, kind, gentle and hospitable. The taxi drivers are pushy but helpful.

The tourists are another story. They come across as closed off generally and not particularly friendly. I’m not in my 20s or 30s, so I feel way past my prime and easy to overlook. I feel a little unseen and insignificant. The internet nomads  (and there are heaps) hang out in cafes, glued to their laptops, ordering coffee, vegan food and fries. They look all cool and laid back but give off an arrogant vibe. They seem indifferent to the world around them. 

Life Passes Quickly

It’s become apparent I have entered the Wise Crone phase of my life. I’m over 55, my daughter is grown and happy, I have a lot of life experience and I know when to speak up, and when to stand down (most of the time). I use words like discernment and patience. I am more circumspect and philosophical. I love hanging out with like minded soul searching types but, I’m also happy with my own company.

 I want to say to the nomads: “Put down your phones, connect with your body and your environment because you are missing out on it all!” Instead, I will keep quiet for now. They don’t want my advice! They have their own stories to write!. I feel lucky to have grown up in a simpler time; when mobile phones were not considered an appendage. I could let my imagination run wild and have random conversations with people I just met. That’s why I deliberately walked into a tropical downpour today, stood in the rain and smiled. My inner child and I don’t care how my hair looks right now.

My life feels like a series of chapters that will become a story one day. A collection of doorways I have walked through leading me to this point. My aim right now is to choose my next doorway in a more conscious manner. Totally present, with my heart, mind, body and gut supporting my choices! I want and desperately need a safe, beautiful place to call home. I haven’t had that, in an emotional or psychological sense for decades. If I can create that for myself then perhaps as Oprah says, “I could be a lighthouse for others.” A safe place for those who have lost their way and need to find a safe harbour.  If they would let me, I could help guide them home and back to safety.